lunch time

sitting here in the law school, browsing through weeks of backlogged 3quarksdaily posts, i am consistently drawn to and romanticized by tales of literature, writers, libraries, words.
the temptation to write!
to feel the freedom in language, to let words bloom as they will, and you wielding but the water can.
and yet, here, i'm constantly hedging. every word is solid, immovable, refuses to be coy. i'm constantly hedging, constantly chopping away at words. letting them wilt to fit into point.
how medieval.

i'm currently living in constant evaluation and re-evaluation of my goals in life, as opposed to my desires, as opposed to longings and temptations. i feel i need to convince myself that this phase is but a phase. a step in the direction of where i ultimately want to be. a step in the right direction.
but at a certain point in my life, i think i decided that 90% of school was bullshit, and i'm having a hard time convincing myself otherwise.

i have headaches often and everyday sleep too much or not at all. after months of attempts to relate and connect to this world outside me, i am now finding myself drawing closer to myself, trying to ignore rather than fight with most things around me.

this is a part of everyone's reality at one point or another?

i want them to say "it's ok. we don't care. do what you want." but even if they did, at this point, i wouldn't believe them anyways.