i like it here

I am selling my mother's Vicodin to my sister for rent money. Well, not really selling, more like "Lilli if you loan me rent money, I will bring you perfume and Mom's drugs back from Paris." I'm halfway through writing a novella and it's the most difficult thing I've ever written. Yesterday I was sketching out a scene in my cafe and I quite nearly vomited, there on the floor, it was so upsetting, I choked it down but had to cry a little and retyping it later that night.... it's like I go somewhere else, a different somewhere else than anywhere else. I told Rich about that and he said "Oh you are so tortured!" and I was like "Shut it! Am too! And I'm gonna paint my nails black." I am almost positive I have tendinitis in my right wrist. Dream: I am Gloria Estefan and Prince is my husband. He's wicked and cruel and slaps me around a bit and I love it. I wear "vintage housewife" clothing and do a lot of dishes.: I got everything for the structural dummy for MOUTH yesterday and am stumped now because I don't have a board shearer, but, it keeps unfolding. Trying to get to Raleigh for Thanksgiving. Mentioned off handedly that I wanted to read some Colette before I went to see my book in the Colette gallery. Jezebel showed up with a volume of the Claudine novels, I'm so pleased! I lounge on the bed full of silver pillows and sip bitter milky tea from a proper tea cup and read and read. Finished Sanctuary, it was terrible, I don't understand how THAT'S the novel that earned Faulkner fame. Was it because of how bizarre the rape was? Was it just a trick of the bizarre? There's something wrong with me but I can't put a finger on it, what is wrong or what is making it wrong. Maybe it's habit. Maybe I'm just so used to feeling wrong and off that it's become what Is. When I notice I am talking to myself I turn on the CD player. I only listen to five musical artists, and I have for the past year. What does that mean. Am I saying the same thing because I keep hearing the same thing? The one thing that needs to be said, and when it has been said....